We the people of the United Rays of Tampa (via Rays the Stakes), in order to form a more perfect fanbase, establish our legitimacy, insure the admittance of no Yankees or Red Sox fans, provide for alienated baseball groupies, promote the team at all cost (even if it means getting a mohawk), and secure yet another AL pennant do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United Rays of Tampa.
Article I- Executive Branch
The executive power shall be vested in great young men who have sworn publicly to always place the fate of the Rays above all other tenets. Concerning themselves with the well-being of the team before any personal regard.
To always ensure that the citizens of the Rays-iverse are treated justly, and with the respect that any citizen, who has willingly suffered for numerous years before this great fandom's success, truly deserves.
Article II- Managerial Branch
The Managerial power shall be vested in great strategists and sometimes unconventional thinkers. In all cases pushing the Athletic branch (named later) to strive for their best. Primarily putting said athletic branch members in what seems to be the most opportune positions to acquire victory at every attempt.
Should a member of the managerial staff continually favor an incorrect decision (ie BJ Upton at lead-off) he should be held in check by other members of both the Managerial and Executive branches, and ridiculed by members of the media (see amendment 1).
Article III- Athletic Branch
The power of the Athletic Branch shall be vested in great and talented young players. The members of the Athletic branch must be willing to conform to the wishes of both the Managerial and Executive branches in order to help sustain a winning environment at all costs. Members of the Athletic branch must always, and without falter, put forth their absolute best effort every time they take the field to represent the members of the Rays-iverse; understanding that they play for a cause which is truly larger than themselves. No member may throw bats at umpires or specifically request a trade to New York or Boston.
Section 2- Treason
Any member of the Athletic branch who willingly undertakes in part of a scheme to undermine the success of the Rays-ivers or who cohorts with other nations with which we do not openly associate (New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox) shall be tried for treason. Any member of the Athletic Branch deemed to be working together with or turning-over to said enemies instantly becomes an Enemy of the State.The United Rays of Tampa Bill of Rights
Amendment 1-Freedom of Speech, Press, and Ray-ligion
Any member of the Rays-iverse has the freedom to speak or write in regard to any aspect, positive or negative, of any branch of the hierarchy of United Rays of Tampa.
Furthermore, all citizens of the United Rays of Tampa have the exclusive right to praise and worship the Rays through their own freedom and expression of Ray-ligion, just so long as no portion of their Ray-ligion teaches peace with the enemy or forgiveness for their wreckless disregard for the sport which we love.
Amendment 2- Right to Bear Cowbells
All members of the United Rays of Tampa are permitted to carry and use, within reason, their own cowbell. Your right to bear Cowbell will not be infringed.
Amendment 3- Quartering of Devil Rays Gear
At no point since the ratification of the constitution, wherein the Devil was exorcised, are any citizens of the Rays-iverse required to quarter any Devil Rays merchandise against their will.
Amendment 4- Search & Seizure
The citizens of the United Rays of Tampa are hereby protected from unjustified searches or seizures of paraphernalia related to any former alliance, with the exception of New York and Boston whereas a warrant for the search, seizure, and detainment of the citizen will be fully allowed.
Amendment 5- Trial & Punishment for Desertion
At no point will a member of the Rays-iverse be tried unjustly for a crime without first being subjected to a jury of their peers. Furthermore no citizen will be tried for the same crime twice unless said crime is desertion to the enemy wherein said citizen will be subject to endless and fully justified ridicule as well as public shame and embarrassment.
Amendment 6- Right to a Speedy Entry to Rays Games
All citizens have a right to a speedy and expedited entry to any Rays game for which they hold a ticket. Under no circumstances should any citizen be made to wait in line with traffic which is inundated with members and citizens of the enemies' territories.
Amendment 7- Trial by Seating Section
If during a game a citizen is found to be outside of United Rays of Tampa law an impromptu trial by members of their seating section shall be held, with the decision of the people standing as temporary law, unless said offender buys a round of ballpark beers for all interested citizens in his seating section, whereas all sins are forgiven (with the obvious exception of Red Sox or Yankee related crimes).
Amendment 8- Cruel and Unusual Punishment of Sox and Yanks fans
Cruel and unusual punishment of Red Sox and Yankees fans and players shall always be allowed and encouraged by all branches of the United Rays of Tampa
Amendment 9- Construction of a New Stadium
If principles of the various branches deem it necessary to build a new stadium, members outside of the government shall not be allowed to hinder such efforts unless an attempt is made by the executive branch to move the United Rays of Tampa to another state.
Amendment 10- Powers of the Branches and the People
Any power not vested specifically to a branch of the rays-iverse shall be decided upon by the citizens.
Any crime against the United Rays of Tampa may be punishable by the most horrible of punishments; banishment from the Rays-iverse and the forcing of said citizen to thereby join either the United Republic of the Kansas City Royals or the Socialist State of the Cleveland Indians.
We have marked this lasting Constitution with our official seal below: