Wednesday, June 17, 2009

How They Match Up

In a segment new to Rays the Stakes, we are going to look at how 2 things compare in a "tale of the tape." In the first installment, I want to see how beverages, businesses, and ballparks matchup. Today we shall look at Tropicana vs. Coors.

Beverage Type:
Tropicana – OJ
Coors – Beer
Advantage: Coors – Although I start every morning with a glass of Tropicana OJ, beer will always have the edge as a beverage

What you are left with a few hours after drinking a lot of the beverage:
Tropicana – A full bladder
Coors – A full bladder and an awesome story
Advantage: Coors - Do it for the story

How you feel the next day after drinking a lot of the beverage:
Tropicana – Healthy, your cold is gone
Coors – Hungover
Advantage: Tropicana - Hangovers suck.

Game best played with the beverage:
Tropicana – Any cheesy game to get your kid to drink it
Coors – Beer pong
Advantage: Coors – Beer pong always wins

How it’s transported (in theory):
Tropicana – The “Juice Train”
Coors – The “Silver Bullet Train” in the commercials that interrupts football games
Advantage: Push – Could one of you get original with your transportation and move the product by rocket ship? I’ll build it for you if you pay me enough.

What happens when you leave the beverage in the refrigerator too long:
Tropicana – Tastes bad, smells worse
Coors – Skunk
Advantage: Push - Nobody wins here

Other products made by parent companies:
Tropicana – Pepsi, Gatorade
Coors – Zima, Keystone Light
Advantage: Tropicana – If I could, I would count this as 2 wins
Biggest competitor:
Tropicana – Minute Maid
Coors – Busch/Miller
Advantage: Push – All of the above also have naming rights to ballparks

What happens when container gets cold:
Tropicana – Nothing
Coors – Can turns blue
Advantage: Tropicana - I don’t care what color my can is as long as my beer is cold. The blue can is just a waste of time

How the beverage compares to other alike beverages:
Tropicana – One of the best
Coors – Has no taste compared to good beer
Advantage: Tropicana – OJ all tastes alike, beer can be so much better than the Silver Bullet

Tastes good with:
Tropicana – An Omelet
Coors – Nachos
Advantage: Coors – Assuming there is chicken and guacamole

Product is made in:
Tropicana – Florida, the Sunshine State, gorgeous!
Coors – Denver “The sunshine state, gorgeous!” according to a drunken Luke Wilson in “Old School” (after probably having too much Coors)
Advantage: Tropicana – Made in the actual Sunshine State, and winter is no fun

Also sponsors:
Tropicana – The Bradenton Juice of the defunct South Coast Baseball League
Coors – The NFL, NASCAR, and 9 NHL teams
Advantage: Coors – Pepsi should market Tropicana more and its own products less

Biggest complaint about the ballpark by players:
Tropicana – “The catwalks got in the way”
Coors – “Even Gabe Kapler can go yard here”
Advantage: Coors – Chicks dig the long-ball

Biggest complaint about the ballpark by the fans:
Tropicana – “Indoor baseball in Florida in the summer?”
Coors – “Outdoor baseball in Colorado in April/September?”
Advantage: Tropicana – 72 degrees and no rain beats out freezing temperatures and snow

The turf at the stadium:
Tropicana – Takes a beating on outfielder’s knees
Coors – Elongated to prevent more doubles and triples
Advantage: Push – Rays hit 2 triples last night and outfielders have been healthy this year (knock on wood)

Random colored seats in the stadium stand for:
Tropicana – Gold seat is where Wade Boggs hit a homerun for his 3000th hit
Coors – Purple row in the upper deck marks the exact height of 1 mile elevation
Advantage: Tropicana – Wade Boggs claims he could down 70 Coors in a day, he wins

Restaurant in the stadium:
Tropicana - Cuesta-Rey Cigar Bar
Coors - Blue Moon Brewery at the Sandlot
Advantage: Coors – Blue Moon was invented here, and that’s a damn good beer

Stadium has also hosted:
Tropicana – NCAA Final Four
Coors – MLB All-star Game
Advantage: Tropicana – One of the best sporting events of every season (author’s note/brag: I was there in 1999 when UCONN beat Duke, heck of a game)

Animal findings within the stadium:
Tropicana – Stingray tank
Coors – Dinosaur fossils found during construction
Advantage: Coors – This is close since the stingray tank always gets Erin Andrews extra airtime when ESPN broadcasts Rays’ games, but the historical perspective of finding dinosaur fossils gives Coors the edge.

The home team’s best season:
Tropicana – 2008 Rays make the World Series
Coors – 2007 Rockies make the World Series
Advantage: Tropicana – The Rays were more recent…and they won a game in the series

The better home team in 2009:
Tropicana – Rays are 35-31
Coors – Rockies are 31-33
Advantage: Tropicana – Let’s not forget the Rays currently lead the season series 1-0

Final Standings:
Tropicana 10
Coors 8
Push 4

There you have it folks, Tropicana barely squeezes out a victory over Coors. This is just how I see it; it’s not like it’s rocket science.

-The Rocket Scientist

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