Headlines I Would Like To See When I Get Back From Vacation

I will be traveling out of the country for the next 8 days. When I get back home and look to catch up on Rays’ news, here are some headlines I would like to see in no particular order:

• Andy Sonnanstine Hits Go-Ahead Homerun to Squish the Fish
• Crawford Steals 7 Bases in Game
• Marlins’ Attendance Reaches Triple Digits for the Season
• Marlins Attacked by Landshark Stadium
• Dale Thayer Gets 1st MLB Save with 1-2-3 9th
• Reid Brignac Gets Huge Pinch Hit Single in 2009 Debut
• Delmon Young Throws Helmet at Umpire, Misses, Still Suspended 50 Games
• Pat Burrell Goes Yard Twice in Return from DL
• Scott Kazmir Admits he Can’t Find “The Issue,” Accepts Minor League Assignment
• Joe Maddon is on 13 Game Streak of Filling out Lineup Card Correctly
• BJ Upton is on 3 Game Hitting Streak
• Stu Sternberg Does not have Swine Flu, Instead has a Fever, And Only Prescription is More Cowbell
• Evan Longoria Drives in 5 as Rays Dominate
• Indians’ Carl Pavano Still Laughing about Stealing Steinbrenner’s Money
• Ohio Demands to Become a Canadian Province
• Jeff Niemman Continues to Improve, Strikes Out 7 in Win
• Gabe Kapler Names Himself Manager of Charlotte Stone Crabs, Names Self Starting RF
• Jason Bartlett Hits for the Cycle
• Jason Bartlett Leads Game Off with Homerun
• Indians' Ed Harris and Pedro Cerrano Settle Argument: Harris Throws Curve Ball to Jesus Christ. The Messiah Swings and Misses.
• Dan Wheeler Blows Lead…Again. Offense Bails Him Out in 9th…Again.
• Gabe Gross Disgusted at his Sick Game
• Kazmir Hits Victor Martinez in the Face, Gets Suspended 15 Games
  (Author’s note: this wouldn’t be a bad thing at all, and I should add this to the Kazmir options in yesterday’s post)
• Jorge Cantu Remembers who he is, Gets Golden Sombrero in Rays Victory
• Joe Mauer to Take Weekend Off Due to Pink-Eye, Navarro Questioned in Farting on his Pillow
• Dionner Navarro Goes on Hunger Strike
• Jason Bartlett and Ben Zobrist Challenge Pat Burrell to Homerun Derby
• Yankees go on Losing Streak after A-Rod’s 50 Game Suspension
• Willy Aybar hits Homerun at Meaningful Time
• Troy Percival Retires, Wants to Play Handball with Jake Plummer. Bullpen Holds Lead for Win
• Indians’ Willy Mays Hayes Hits Ball in the Air, Does 25 Pushups in Batters Box
• David Price Named AL Rookie of the Week
• Andy Sonnanstine Lowers ERA to 6.85
• Lebron James Shows up to Indians-Rays Game Wearing Rays’ Hat, Rumors Fly
• Matt Garza Listens to “I Love it When you Call me Big Papa” on his IPod While Pitching, Flirts with No-Hitter, Shuts Out Indians
• Zorilla Strikes Again!
• Carlos Pena First Major Leaguer to 20 Homeruns
• Joe Magrane Quits MLB Network, Comes Back to Rays’ Booth
• Lakers Lose in 5 (ok this doesn’t have anything to do with the Rays, but I’m just really sick and tired of Lakers fans)
• Akinori Iwamura Turns Unassisted Triple Play
• Grant Balfour’s Fastball Hits 97 as he Strikes-Out 5
• Rays on a Roll, Looking Like ’08 Team Again.

If a few of these actually happen, I will be quite happy. If I had to pick one to see, it would be the last one. Who knows if these will come true. Predicting the future isn't rocket scienice.